DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER almost 20 years of marriage my wife has finally confessed that she cheated on me while we were dating.
I feel heartbroken, like I’ve been robbed of my memories of our first year together. Like our entire marriage has been based on a lie.
We met at university, when both 20, and fell deeply in love. Just two years later, we were married.
We’re now 41 and have two teenage children.
One night, early in our relationship, we went to the pub with fellow student friends.
They included a bloke she’d had a fling with in our first year at uni before getting with me — a bad lad.
I was coming down with flu so left early to go home to bed. She offered to come with me, but I told her to stay and enjoy herself.
When she didn’t call later to say goodnight, which was very unusual, I rang her but she didn’t answer.
The next day, she called to apologise, saying her phone had run out of battery.
I asked if she’d had a good time, and she seemed vague and evasive.
This has always niggled at the back of my mind.
Once, soon after we were married, I asked her if she had ever been unfaithful to me, and she swore on her life that she had not.
Last month, we had a university reunion. Everyone was there, including that guy.
She got very drunk and nostalgic and was laughing with him.
Later, I commented, “I never trusted that guy” — and, suddenly she blurted out that she’d had a one-night stand with him the night I was ill, all those years ago.
She said it was a terrible mistake, that she hadn’t told me before because she was scared I’d break up with her, but that now it was history.
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Even though we’ve since had a wonderful life together, I cannot get past this.
I love her and don’t want to leave, but I can’t even look at her.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Yes, she lied about that night – and yes, she cheated, which was wrong.
But you’ve since had a long and happy marriage.
Had she been honest with you back then, you might well have broken up with her, and you wouldn’t have lived this life or had your children.
You’re punishing her and yourself for something that can’t be changed.
You can choose to let it ruin your marriage for ever or you can try to work past it together.
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Read through my support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, and see whether you can get your marriage back on track.
You could maybe benefit from some couple counselling. You can find support via tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).
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